Funny quotes about golf

Golfers, are you looking for a little humor to brighten up your game? Well, we’ve got just what you need! We’ve collected some of the funniest golf quotes from legendary pros and celebrities that will leave you in stitches. From wise words about playing well or not-so-well to witty remarks about bad shots, these funny golf quotes are sure to bring a smile to your face. So get ready for some laughs as we explore all the hilarious things people say about this classic sport!

The Legends of The Game Say It All

From Hogan to Palmer to Nicklaus to Tiger, the Legends of golf have plenty to say. Whether it’s about playing a good round or dealing with the pressure of competition, here are some of the best and funniest quotes from the greatest players to ever hit the fairway. Get ready for one amazing golf quote after another!

"The only thing you should force in a golf swing is the club back in the bag." Byron Nelson

"I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s golf game. It is called an eraser. Arnold Palmer

“Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.” Chi Chi Rodriguez

"The woods are full of long drivers." Harvey Penick

"If you think your hands are more important in your golf swing than your legs, try walking a hole on your hands." Gary Player

“You don’t know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket.” Lee Trevino

"I don’t fear death, but I sure don’t like those three-footers for par." Chi Chi Rodriguez

"These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow." Sam Snead

"The only reason I ever played golf in the first place was so I could afford to hunt and fish." Sam Snead

"I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced." Lee Trevino

Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I’ve played the game for 40 years and I still haven’t the slightest idea of how to play. Gary Player

“The main idea in golf as in life, I suppose is to learn to accept what cannot be altered…” Lee Trevino

“The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight.” Ben Hogan

"A golf ball is like a clock. Always hit it at 6 o’clock and make it go toward 12 o’clock. But make sure you’re in the same time zone." Chi Chi Rodriguez

"After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye." Chi Chi Rodriguez

"If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they’d starve to death." Sam Snead

"If you’re caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron." Lee Trevino

"My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch." Lee Trevino

“A well hit golf shot is a feeling that goes up the shaft, right through your hands and into your heart.” Ben Hogan

“Golf has probably kept more people sane than psychiatrists have.” Harvey Penick

“Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don’t you?” Ben Hogan

“I play golf with friends sometimes, but there are never friendly games.” Ben Hogan

“Golf tips are like aspirin. One may do you good, but if you swallow the whole bottle you will be lucky to survive.” Harvey Penick

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Baseball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” Tiger Woods

“The only time I talk on the golf course is to my caddy. And then only to complain when he has given me the wrong club.” Seve Ballesteros

"The woods are full of long drivers." Harvey Penick

“A great deal of unnecessarily bad golf is played in this world.” Harry Vardon

“If I had cleared the trees and drove the green, it would’ve been a great shot.” Sam Snead

"I never missed a putt in my mind." Jack Nicklaus

“The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.” Pete Dye

"Caddies are a breed of their own. If you shoot 66, they say Man we shot 66 today. But go out and shoot 77 and they say Hell, he shot 77." Lee Trevino

"The fact is, I diet every day of my life. I have to work at it. But I diet so I can pig out." Jack Nicklaus

"You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husband’s work." Lee Trevino

"Tee your ball high... air offers less resistance than dirt." Jack Nicklaus

"The best way to cope with trouble is to stay out of it as much as possible." Jack Nicklaus

Bobby Jones Was Never Short On Words

The captivating words of wisdom from Bobby Jones are worthy of an individual article, and we could not help but dedicate a special section to him. Here you will find marvelous gems that offer life lessons in addition to a bit of humor — all from the brilliant mind of Bobby Jones!

"Some emotions can not be enjoyed with a golf club in your hands." Bobby Jones

“It is nothing new or original to say that golf is played one stroke at a time. But it took me many years to realize it.” Bobby Jones

"Too much ambition is a bad thing to have in a bunker." Bobby Jones

"No putt is too short to be despised" Bobby Jones

"Golf is the only game I know of that actually becomes harder the longer you play it." Bobby Jones

"In order to win, you must play your best golf when you need it most, and play your sloppy stuff when you can afford it. I shall not attempt to explain how you achieve this happy timing.” Bobby Jones

“You don’t know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket.” Bobby Jones

"Addressing a golf ball would seem to be a simple matter; that is, to the uninitiated who cannot appreciate that a golf ball can hold more terrors than a spacious auditorium packed with people.” Bobby Jones

“The difference between a sand trap and water hazard is the difference between a car crash and an airplane crash. You have a chance of recovering from a car crash.” Bobby Jones

“If I needed advice from my caddie, he’d be hitting the shots and I’d be carrying the bag.” Bobby Jones

“You might as well praise a man for not robbing a bank as to praise him for playing by the rules.” Bobby Jones

“The secret of golf is to turn three shots into two.” Bobby Jones

"Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course... the space between your ears." Bobby Jones

Author's, Media Pundits, and Sportswriter Funny Golf Sayings

It's no surprise that some of golf's great one-liners come from literary Giants. Let's hear what they have to say.

"Golf is a good walk spoiled." Mark Twain

“I don’t play golf to feel bad, I play bad golf, but I feel good." Henry Beard

“Golf is not a great sport. If you can smoke and drink while you’re doin’ it, it’s not a sport.” Michael Connelly

“Golf is the infallible test. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well.” P.G. Wodehouse

“The difference between a good golf shot and a bad one is the same as the difference between a beautiful and a plain woman – a matter of millimetres.” Ian Fleming

“The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf – it’s almost a law.” H. G. Wells

“A major golf tournament is 40,000 sadists watching 144 masochists.” Thomas Boswell

“I’d play every day if I could. It’s cheaper than a shrink and there are no telephones on my golf cart.” Brent Musburger

“The great thing about starting golf in your forties is that you can start golf in your forties.” P. J. O’Rourke

“As all souls are equal before their Maker, a two inch putt counts the same as a 250 yard drive. There is a comedy in this and a certain unfairness even, which makes golf an even apter mirror of reality.” John Updike

“Golf: A plague invented by the Calvinistic Scots as a punishment for man’s sins.” James Barrett Reston

"Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.” John Updike

"Playing with your spouse on the golf course runs almost as great a marital risk as getting caught playing with someone else's anywhere else." Peter Andrews

"I'm hitting the woods just great, but every time I hit into the clearings, it seems as though I never miss the trees ." Arthur Daley

“Golf is a worrier’s game, inward, concentrated, a matter of inches, invented by the same people who gave us Presbyterianism.” Robert Hass

“You know what the game of golf is, don’t you? It’s basketball for people who can’t jump and chess for people who can’t think.” Tom Robbins

“Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.” William Wordsworth

“Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.” P.J. O’Rourke

“Like one’s own children, golf has an uncanny way of endearing itself to us while at the same time evoking every weakness of mind and character, no matter how well hidden.” Timothy Gallwey

“Golf is a game where you yell “Fore”, shoot six and write down five.” Napolean Hill

“It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.” Mark Twain

"Have you ever actually listened to golfers talking to each other? Looked good starting out... Better direction than last time... Who's away?... It sounds like visitor's day at a home for the criminally insane." Peter Andrews

"There is one thing in this world that is dumber than playing golf. That is watching someone else playing golf. What do you actually get to see? Thirty-seven guys in polyester slacks squinting at the sun. Doesn’t that set your blood racing?" Peter Andrews

"When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls." Henry Beard

"Golf is played by twenty million, mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun." Jim Bishop

"Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” shoot six and write down five." Paul Harvey

"One hundred years of experience had demonstrated that the game is temporary insanity practiced in a pasture." Dave Kindred

"Talking to a golf ball won’t do you any good unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off." Bruce Lansky

"If you call on God to improve the results of a shot while it is still in motion, you are using “an outside agency” and subject to appropriate penalties under the rules of golf." Henry Longhurst

"It’s so ridiculous to see a golfer with a one-foot putt and everybody is saying “Shhh” and not moving a muscle. Then we allow nineteen-year-old kids to face a game-deciding free throw with seventeen thousand people yelling." Al McGuire

"Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to be bad." A.A. Milne

"Golf without mistakes is like watching haircuts. A dinner without wine." Jim Murray

"Golf is the cruelest game because eventually it will drag you out in front of the whole school, take your lunch money and slap you around." Rick Reilly

"Golf is 20 percent mechanics and technique. The other 80 percent is philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance, melodrama, companionship, camaraderie, cussedness, and conversation." Grantland Rice

"A passion, an obsession, a romance, a nice acquaintanceship with trees, sand, and water." Bob Ryan

"A golf course outside a big town serves an excellent purpose in that it segregates, as though a concentration camp, all the idle and idiot well-to-do." Osbert Sitwell

"My golf is improving. Yesterday I hit the ball in one!" Jane Swan

"Art said he wanted to get more distance. I told him to hit it and run backward." Ken Venturi

"The least thing upset him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows." P.G. Wodehouse

"Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious." P.G. Wodehouse

"The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things." John Updike

"The trouble that most of us find with the modern matched sets of clubs is that they don’t really seem to know any more about the game than the old ones did." Robert Browning

“Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.” Jim Murray

“If you’ve forgotten what frustration is like, spend 10 minutes on a golf course.” Robert M.

“There’s a reason why golfers walk forward to their next shot. It’s to move on.” J.R. Rim

"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?" U.S. Open Commentator

Funny Quotes Golf

Actors, Musicians, and Celebrities Tell Us What They Think

They are used to the stage and the limelight, often saying just the right thing. It's no surprise then that they have some of the most memorable and amusing thoughts about golf.

“Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.” James Murray

“I don’t like to watch golf on television because I can’t stand people who whisper.” David Brenner

"I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot." Don Adams

"The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing."Phyllis Diller

"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has." Will Rogers

"I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies." Will Rogers

“Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.” Jack Benny

"If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball." Jack Lemmon

“I started watching golf for the first time yesterday. I`m really worried about myself. I was actually enjoying it.” Ewan McGregor

“If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.” Dean Martin

"I was lying ten and had a thirty-five-foot putt. I whispered over my shoulder, how does this one break? My caddie says Who cares!" Jack Lemon

"Sex and golf are the only two things you can enjoy if you’re not good at either." Kevin Costner

World-Class Golfers Talking About the Game They Love

The Legends of Golf have showcased their wit - can the same be said for other professional golfers? Let's jump right in and find out.

“They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken.” Raymond Flyod

“Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly 40 years to discover that I can’t play it.” Ted Ray

"They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken.” Raymond Floyd

“You build a golf game like you build a wall, one brick at a time.” Tony Lema

"One minute you’re bleeding. The next minute you’re hemorrhaging. The next minute you’re painting the Mona Lisa.” Mac O'Grady

"Golf's three ugliest words: still your shot." Dave Marr

"I know you can be fined for throwing a  club but I want to know if you can get fined for throwing a caddy." Tommy Bolt

"There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies." Raymond Floyd

"On being asked before the final round what he needed to shoot to win the tournament – ‘the rest of the field." Roger Maltbie

"Why am I using a new putter? Because the old one didn’t float too well." Craig Stadler

"There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies." Raymond Floyd

Explore Some Funny History: Presidents, Politicians and Other Historical Figures Humor Us With Amusing Quotes

Although they were commanding figures, their golf games sometimes left a lot to be desired. But at least they had a sense of humor.

"Some of us worship in churches, some in synagogues, some on golf courses." Adlai Stevenson

"Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose." Winston Churchill

"I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk, and a moose." Gerald Ford

"I know I am getting better at golf because I’m hitting fewer spectators." Gerald Ford

"The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course."     Billy Graham

“Golf has some drawbacks. It’s possible, by too much of it, to destroy the mind.” Sir W.G. Simpson

“Whoever said “Practice makes perfect” obviously never played golf.”  Lipschitz

“Golf is a billion-dollar industry devoted entirely to hope.” Deepak Chopra

“The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.” George Deukmejian

“Golf is an ideal diversion but a ruinous disease.” Gerald Ford

“My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.” Lord Robertson of Port Ellen

Funny Golf Sayings By...?

Get ready to chuckle with some timeless quotes you won't soon forget. We may not know who said them, but you can still appreciate their brilliance.

“Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.” Anonymous

“A good golf partner is one who’s always slightly worse than you are… that’s why I get so many calls to play with friends.” Anonymous

“A gimme can be best defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well.” Anonymous

“The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music.” Anonymous

“An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.” Anonymous

“Golf is an easy game…It’s just hard to play.” Anonymous

“Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.” Anonymous

“Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is the beginning of the next group of three.” Anonymous

“The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.” Anonymous

"Many golfers prefer a cart to a caddy because a cart can’t count, criticize or laugh." Anonymous

"A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours." Anonymous

"Golf is a game where the ball always lies poorly and the player always lies well." Anonymous

Generational Athletes Have Their Say Too

Without a doubt, they are some of the best to ever play the game - their game that is. But what do we know about their thoughts on Golf?

“It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.” Hank Aaron

“The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest golf cart never has to play the bad lie.” Mickey Mantle

“I don’t want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it.” Rogers Hornsby

“I’m the best. I just haven’t played yet.” Muhammad Ali

funny golfing quotes

Laughter In the Air: Comics Weigh in on The Funny Game of Golf

It's not surprising that we left this section for last! After all, don't comedians always have a joke up their sleeves?

"I'll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105." Bob Hope

“There are three roads to ruin; women, gambling, and golf. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling, but the surest is with golf.” Andrew Perry

I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play. Joe E. Lewis

"I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead." Bob Hope

"If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him." Bob Hope

“Instead of saving for someone else’s college education, I’m currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.” Jen Kirkman

“If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” Bob Hope

“While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.” Henny Youngman

“I’ve seen lifelong friends drift apart over golf just because one could play better, but the other counted better.” Stephen Leacock

“Golf is the hardest game in the world to play, and the easiest to cheat at.” Dave Hill

"I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a bunker. For that, I have a caddy." Bob Hope

"I don’t care to join any club that’s prepared to have me as a member." Goucho Marx

Golf can be a funny game and the best way to prove that is with some hilarious golf quotes. From golfing legends to comics to celebrities - everybody has something to say about golf!

Whether you're looking to add some humor to your next round of golf or just looking for a good laugh, look no further! We've rounded up the funniest golf quotes from an eclectic selection of personalities to get you in the mood. So what are you waiting for? Laugh out loud now as you read through this collection of comical one-liners about everyone's favorite pastime - golf!

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"Keep it in the short grass"